march 12th, an anniversary. a second anniversary, even. of what i hear
you ask. good question. i wish could still remember what made that day so memorable, at least temporarily so. that is
to say, i wish i could remember temporarily to share, not that it was only temporarily memorable; though if i have forgotten
it then maybe that is also true. but! i have not forgotten it. it reappears in my memory like an oasis in a desert of despair.
it was the day of revelation. my day of revelation. my day of discovery. everything from that time now flows, flooding back
from the abyss of time, almost bringing a tear to the eye. in all honesty i should probably forget the whole thing ever happened
but it is not that simple. it is a difficult thing to forget something so ingrained. though this may seem slightly contradictory
given that i struggled to even remember, i shall endeavour to explain. when i said that i couldn't remember what was special
about the date, i remember in regards of how it made me feel then; when i say that now it is ingrained, i am acknowledging
it's affects on me today. for you see, the two are very much opposite and though they say that opposites attract, i find it
rather hard to believe that the one could reconcile the other. i am quite fond of the short phrase 'dreams comfort memories'.
this is one experience of my relatively short existence that goes against this because how i felt on that day is far more
agreeable than how i feel this day. that day i found something. i found something so special, so complex, so confusing yet
so simple; something that i had never dreamed existed, at least not for me. it was unexpected. it was not even something which
i was actively seeking but still it came upon me so suddenly. i felt the spark and it kindled the fire! i should point out
that in spite of various happenings over these last two years that the fire, ultimately, has not cooled. nor will it ever,
of that i am quite certain. i know this simply because i have had that moment when you realise that something is forever.
almost like a point of no return which, once passed, disappears so that it will never meet your tread again. not that you
want to return. now there is no turning it off. but what if you can't have it? well, what if? it doesn't matter! it is too
strong to resist; it takes over! it governs your every mood; it occupies you to distraction; it drives your desire; it is
your desire! but wait! i cannot do this. it is simply impossible to convey the wonder when one is currently surrounded by
such darkness. we must pass from glory to disgrace! a loss. a loss so significant that it takes precedence, even over such
a momentous occasion. and yet, i cannot even console myself with anger or blame for i am the culprit. though neglect and silence
are by definition symbolic of 'nothing', they prove to be extremely expensive! and i am guilty on more than a single count
of each. a painful numbness is all that i can manage when i try to make sense of how it all happened. i saw an outcome of
my actions which never materialised. of course, on reflection it was never likely to. it was far too romantic, in the classic
sense of the word. it would have been too easy. what now? now, there is nothing. but what else could i expect - i offered
nothing. however, it goes deeper than that. externally there is nothing, no one, obviously since that is how 'loss' works.
but, even internally there is but emptiness. it is as if nothing matters. there are no actions worth undertaking; there are
no consequences. simply, i do not care. can you see that something is going awry? so what! let it! will you miss that train
if you continue to wander lost in thought? of course! but so what? there are other trains, but no two moments are the same.
tomorrow i may not be thinking in the same way as i am today. what i am thinking about is of no consequence, but the mechanics
of it are vital. why do i think as i do? why do i make such vast leaps and various connections. some people call that paranoia.
not i. it is creation in it's infancy. how on earth did i get from an anniversary worthy of memory to a birth deserving of