the dust was rising in the swelling heat. shrouding and surrounding
me like ghosts. i could see the shapes of those whom were left behind; though it was unintentional - the seeing, not leaving.
the leaving was one of the most deliberate acts in a career of mistakes. how could i stay? i wasn't what what some expected
me to be and what i wanted to be to others was forbidden - top of the list of unwritten, decreed arbitrarily and governed
by a tyrant of paradise. though things were not always this way. in fact, occasions such as this were all but unheard of;
but moments, gaps in the light that the sun would quickly heal. even the night, that dark enemy of clarity, seemed to offer
aid in his interludes. presently he is not so much an enemy of clarity as an accomplice to sorrow, far too familiar for my
liking and yet there is not a soul with whom i share more of myself. not a situation to satisfy. strangely, this current predicament,
for that it is, does have one positive, as artificial as that is, which is this - it has given me a sense of knowledge, a
sense of the world, if you will. now, i know full well that what i do know is all but non-existent in comparison with that
which i do not. however, this vague feeling of 'wordliness' fills me with confidence in my ability to see things from a position
of perfect passiveness which comes as a great benefit. i am outside of everything. out of reach of consequence and able to
look in with something of an air of superiority but without the ego. of course i know that the situation is a false one, hence
the lack of ego. if i had more confidence in this knowledge then i could afford the superiority and the ego; those commodities
being rather expensive, particularly in the event of their being misused. and given the fact that there are almost an infinite
number of wrong ways to do things and usually only one correct way then the chances of success are not worth calculating.
i am finding that explanations are being more and more necessary and less and less easier to give. if one more person tells
me to 'sieze the day' or to ' follow my heart' one more time then i shall be obliged to kill them on the spot with whatever
comes to hand. the one and only time i followed my heart, it took on a mind of it's own, (which in itself was confusing since
the head and the heart are so often thought of as opposing forces in our decision m aking processes, hence the thought that
one cannot be wise and in love at the same time), and sprinted off ahead of me. it seems needless to relate that things changed
irreperably, for the worse obviously, and that that crimson scoundrel has not been seen since! i can only hope that he feels
a sincere regret for his rash actions and should an apology be forthcoming then careful thought will be given to his returning
to the bosom, as it were. which, oddly enough, is not unlike my current situation. the current state of play however, involves
a distinct void of compassion, desire and energy on my part and a lack of coordinates as to his whereabouts. though an educated
guesser may place him about three thousand miles away and demanding that i follow him still. why and if: so few words, so
many regrets.what cruel trick of fate was it that found me there by the two rivers. daily do i feel my resolve growing stronger.
it is both liberating and heartbreaking. i am constantly surrounded by people i neither know nor whose acquaintance i desire
to make and those whose i have made are no longer about me in any meaningful way. the same realisation is recurring. so often
have i told myself that things can progress as they are, that nobody and nothing is necessary for me to be content. the more
i repeat it, the less i believe. it is far from from agreeable when your own happiness is in the hands of another. further,
when you cannot even be sure that they know it themselves and you lack the courage to tell them. will i ever again sit on
joe's bench? will i ever again wander the canal into the midnight?