yesterday, i lost all sense of time. after working all night and all morning, i walked outside and looked up. on my left was the sun and on the right was the moon. add to that, that i started reading crime and punishment last night and saw more than a little of raskolnikov in myself, and i have good reason to believe i'm going mad! then today they were both at it again although in fairness to the white chap, it could have been a moon-shaped cloud. i can't tell with these eyes. i yawned today for the first time this week. for some reason that makes me laugh a kind of hysterical laugh. not the full blown, tears in the eyes type of hysterics, but the more sly, even calculated, laugh; almost under my breath. i have no idea why, mind. reasons for things no longer interest me. though i honestly believe that everything happens for a reason and that nothing is an accident, i no longer try and look for it. if i need to know then i will be told. it saves a lot of effort that way. and time; something which i don't have a great deal of. talking of great deals i nearly bought a hat in france for thirty euros that made me look like dylan in the last waltz. or so i was told. there were no mirrors since it was a market stall in i forget where. i would remember it if i saw it though. it was where the picture of me on the bridge was taken. anyway, i didn't bother and now regret it still. this crime and punishment is a good read. and i really do think i am a bit like this raskolnikov chap. i can see i'm going to get quite attached to this book and character. just like i did with david copperfield. although i don't know whether i shall cry at reading this one. best thing i ever though, that david copperfield. he reminded me of myself too. and other people of me. and yes, i did cry whilst reading that. more times than i can remember. not because it was sad you understand, just because some of it is so true. some of the things he says, does and thinks are replicas of me. it is uncanny really. did you ever notice how the words on the sides of cd cases are written from top to bottom so that you have to tilt your head to the right in order to read them clearly. why does no one print them from bottom to top? just once i would like to tilt my head to the left, just for a bit of variety, a change. anything to break the monotony. not that i sit down all day reading cd cases obviously. having said that though, i'm not generally a big fan of change. far too heavy in the pockets. seriously though, if i can do serious that is, i'm still chuckling over my yawning exploits of this morning. as i was saying, or in fact was about to say before i rudely interrupted myself, for which i shall reprimand myself severely by ordering me straight to bed; as i was saying, third attempt now, (some people have no manners), change and i don't really see eye to eye. mainly because he has far too many friends. it is beyond me why people have to change things so often. if you ask me it is nothing but greed or vanity. both of which are sins might i remind you. and on top of that, it cause much confusion to those who are not in on the joke and hence much scratchings of the head and/or chin. neither of which do any service to epidermal growth. change and i are mere casual acquaintances. he's a friend of a friend, shall we say. the only kind of change i like is big change. i mean, if you're going to do something, do it properly for crying out loud. don't pussyfoot around. things have changed now. you don't get anywhere these days without knowing when change is necessary. do you know? i am not sure i do. i'm still clinging to a few things that i should probably let go. i know that i should change such things, and i know how to, but until we are on better terms, (change and myself that is), then things will be staying just as they are. as painful and as frustrating and as confusing as they are. and they are, on an almost profound level. i am learning things all the time. i can see things falling into place every day. i see things come and go. i see things come and stay. and the things that stay i make a note of and keep safe. and those that go i ignore but for a mental note to let them pass if they come by again. which they invariably do. so many things fit. each time i look another piece of the puzzle is in place. i can see the picture forming. i can see what it is already. at least i think i can. or maybe i have a pre-determined, pre-existing idea which controls what i am seeing. either way, i see the light. and these things that are happening and fitting together are all things that i have asked for. they are all things that i needed for one reason or another. though very few have been for me personally, they have contributed to my well-being in a strange yet positive manner. that is why i don't mind working so much. i know thirteen hours is a long time and some nights i do ten of those before i get a break. but if i am honest, i can do a lot more. i might be feeling it now, but it's not like a drain. it's not making me any weaker. actually no, it is, but there is something else that makes my resolve stronger. something that i can't name. not because i don't want to, but because i don't know. the weaker the body gets, the stronger the mind becomes. probably not an unheard of phenomenon in academic circles but certainly a bizarre yet satisfying feeling for the recipient. it is almost like purposely digging a hole for yourself that you can't get out of, because you know that you don't have to get yourself out. so long as i keep digging and doing all i can for myself, i know that somewhere along the line my time will come. i sincerely believe that and if it sounds like the ravings of a madman then that's ok because people stay away from the crazy. i find the more eccentric i become the more i can get away with. not in a bad way. if i have a strange way of doing something ordinary, which i do for some things, then it is less likely to be pointed out if i do a lot of things differently than if it was my only irregularity. see? these are the things that come to me when i am supposed to be sleeping. at least i think i'm supposed to be sleeping; but if i was then i wouldn't have these thoughts so obviously i am not in control of the situation. i do have some help, just as i suspected. i write so fast now too. i'm scared of forgetting something. even the most casual thoughts, if they are unique to myself, i write down. maybe i'll never read, think of, or need again but i keep notes everywhere. you never know. i remember reading the whole of the great gatsby at work last week. and the only thing i got from it was that it was almost pointless. it didn't seem to go anywhere and yet i couldn't put it down. for some reason i looked forward to picking it up during my break. why would i do that if i didn't think much of it? i know why. because i don't have need for anything more. my level of satisfaction in some areas is diminishing but other parts can't keep up. therefore, even though i didn't need much to entertain myself, i still knew that it wasn't actually that entertaining. and i blame time for this. every second i waste contributes to my own downfall. i'm not going to let it happen. it seems to me that breaks are lazy. i need to be working. only then do i feel useful. only then do i feel like i am earning what i am given. i have steadily developed a dislike, a strong dislike, to any time at work where i stop. even just for five minutes. i could probably sort around three hundred letters in that time, (about one per second). and that is one of the reason i do so many hours. because it satisfies a need. there are other reasons. obvious reasons which don't need to be mentioned, so they won't. i just need to know that i have earned my rewards honestly. that's why i don't do the lottery. it is one of the most dishonest way to get rich, it's other people's money. you don't earn it. it's all luck and to be honest i can do without luck. i put luck in the same category as small change. so long as they both keep away from me then we shall get on just fine, (luck, small change and myself that is). no, i don't like luck for the simple reason that there is as much bad luck out there as good luck. that is if it exists at all. don't get me started on that. but for the purpose and benefit of anyone wanting to know what i think about luck then i will say this. i don't mind getting bad luck, because i understand that it is just the price of good luck, for which i would be quite prepared to pay. however, what i have a problem with is that you can't choose when it will appear. that is the problem with luck. i prefer trust. by which i mean, if i trust that something will happen then it will and it will happen at the right time. then, the price that i pay for the advantage i received will come at a time when it will do least damage. i could go on and on about that too, and i may have somewhere, so i won't. what i ill say however, is that even though i don't smile freely anymore, at least not without that kind of cartoonish menace of a twinkle in the eye, i am quite alright with continuing as i am now. i might not be content right now, and only sporadically happy, but i have faith that the dreams will come true.